i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
