My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
