I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
3 2 1 whiskey
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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