The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
two words...techno handjob
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
