I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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