the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
