I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
