not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
