Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
