Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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