He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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