Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
