Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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