I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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