I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
