I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish my penis had a tongue
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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