This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
