i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
