OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
