the condom got lost in my hair
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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