My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
