We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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