I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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