why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
