I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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