Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
