hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
