I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
