i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
