I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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