I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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