she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
