fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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