mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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