i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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