Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
