Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
