you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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