dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Randomize
