Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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