Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I want is dick and wine.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
