I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
