You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
