My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
