I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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