I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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