Umm I'm too high to move.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
