I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
