I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
