That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
