someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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